Episode 12: I Should be Able to Manage This (part 1)

In this weeks episode, I share a recap from a coaching session I had with a client who was feeling a lot of shame around not being able to manage certain household tasks.  She had been putting off cleaning out her refrigerator for weeks and was frustrated with herself for not getting it done. 

We talked about how certain emotions such as shame and guilt were likely responsible for her avoidance of the task, along with the fact that it actually requires a great deal of executive functioning to manage the contents of a refrigerator and to maintain it! 

In this first part of this 2 part episode, we really uncovered some thoughts and beliefs of hers that make it hard for her to find ways to support her ADHD including things she "should" be able to do.   

If you find yourself saying "I 'should' be able to do" xyz about all kinds of things, then I think this episode will really help you see how often times that's exactly what is preventing you from actually doing it. 

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Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention. Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD. Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.

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Transcript

 Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And today I'll be sharing from a session I had with a client who was feeling very overwhelmed by her environment. She has three young children and a lot of stuff in the house. And they had just had a pretty busy weekend and she now said everything in my house has exploded. 

And she went on to say that she is very impacted by her environment. So when her house is a mess, she feels like her life is a mess. And this can be really true for so many people. And for people with ADHD, it makes a lot of sense because if we struggle to regulate our attention and so we get easily distracted by external stimulus.  Well, then mess and clutter can be really distracting and really overstimulating. But it can also be very hard to do something about the mess because it requires lots of executive functioning skills. So it's one of those ADHD contradictions you might see or read about where we hate mess, but we tend to be pretty messy or disorganized. It's very annoying and no, I'm not claiming everyone with ADHD is messy or disorganized, but it's definitely a common characteristic.  

So the first thing I wanted to do with her was kind of narrow in, on one place to get started often when we feel like there's so much to do and we're overwhelmed it's because we're feeling like we need to do all of it. So of course we're overwhelmed, but doing it all is often unrealistic and can leave you feeling stuck or frozen. Hello analysis paralysis. And it usually results in like doing nothing. So step one, when you're feeling overwhelmed is to pause and just notice what's going on  and know that first step is not easy at all. It's often the hardest part, but we can't do any of the other parts without that pause.  If you're telling yourself there's so much to do or I have to do it all. Well, it makes sense that you're feeling overwhelmed and that's okay, but you don't have to take action from overwhelm.  And you know, that action often looks like inaction or bopping around from task to task or doing less important tasks. You can learn how to just let overwhelm exist in you.  Then when you've turned the volume down on it a bit, you can shift to a different thought that can help further ease the overwhelm. And allow you to actually take action on addressing the mess.

In another session with the same client, she had found the thought. I can't do it all, but I can do something to be really helpful in these situations.  I had heard my coach say one time. Overwhelm is not a sign to get more things done. Overwhelm is something to be felt. And when we act from overwhelm, we underperform. And that really does sum it up quite nicely. And that's something I really tried to remind myself, even when my brain is like wrong, you do need to get more done. You have no time to waste. Get going.  Because that voice can be really loud sometimes.  Anyways, back to my client. 

I asked her what that something was that she wanted to do. One thing that would really make a difference in her environment and thus the impact it was having on her. And she said her refrigerator.  She had been needing to clean it for weeks. And has not been able to get herself to do it. And she started off by saying it's so silly that she's been avoiding it so much And she's even done other less important tasks, like cleaning out art supplies, things that have taken way longer and she could have just cleaned out her fridge in that amount of time. And we do this to ourselves a lot. We kind of judge or beat ourselves up for not doing something that quote should be easy. And say it's so silly and that really dismisses the reasons why it's actually very hard. 

 So I asked her what are some things that come up for her when she goes to, or even thinks about cleaning the fridge? And she shared a few, one was guilt that she was wasting food and  and was going to have to throw away produce and leftovers. She said she was raised in a very don't waste food kind of family. And so while she tries to be aware of that and not let it get to her. There's definitely still guilt there. And then that led to another thought, which was, I should have been able to manage this better. Meaning she didn't properly plan for meals or remember certain items in the fridge. So she let them go to waste. And also she's not keeping up with cleaning and organizing the fridge, like on a regular basis.  And that thought really brought up a lot of shame. And then the final piece was just the ick factor, just the sensory part of things, smelling bad or being slimy and having to touch or discard things. And that really grosses her out.  

So as you can see, not silly at all, of course, she's avoiding, cleaning out the fridge. Just the thought of it brings up guilt and shame and disgust all emotions that don't exactly motivate us to do something. In fact, we work pretty hard to avoid things that intensify those emotions and bring them to the forefront. 

And I did remind her of the fact that the stuff that she was sharing with me in this coaching session about why she's avoiding the fridge, these things are not necessarily conscious thoughts of her. They're kind of these quick below the surface thoughts that we don't actually stop to acknowledge, but we do feel the emotions and then we avoid the task and then we just think we're being silly or lazy or ridiculous. 

So then we continue to feel more shame about it. It's not fun.

So, while, all of those things are for sure, playing a factor here. I wanted to dig further into the most prominent one. So I asked her, which of those three things she thinks is the biggest factor here. Like when she even thinks about her fridge, which thought pops up and feels the heaviest for her. 

And she shared it was that second one. The, I should be able to manage this better thought. Which for her brought up lots of shame. Oftentimes when we have should thoughts, I should be able to do this. I should eat healthier. I should read more books.  I should go to bed earlier. I could go on and on. Well, those thoughts are often accompanied by shame because what we're doing is just blaming and judging ourselves for not already reaching this expectation. And so there must be something wrong with you. 

And she went on to explain these expectations she has for herself. She said that because she doesn't work outside the home. This thing and she was referring to the fridge, but I also assume she means the household management in general. This thing is her job and she chose it. And because she chose this job to stay home with and raise her kids while her husband works a full-time job outside of the house, she quote, should be able to do these things. And when she can't or isn't doing them, she feels a lot of shame. And obviously that doesn't feel good. And I really noticed the emphasis on the fact that she chose this and how that led to the expectation that if she chose it, that means she should be able to do it.  As if choice magically makes all of our executive functions. Function.  Or soothes any of the negative thoughts and emotions that arise, or it makes all of her sensory issues, null and void. I think oftentimes people don't realize how much executive functioning goes into being a stay-at-home mom and managing a whole household. I certainly didn't when I chose to do that, but oh my goodness. Did I learn the hard way? I mean, it led me to my diagnosis. I was struggling so much.  

And I could see it in her body language, that this was really painful for her to talk about. So I asked if she wanted to take a few minutes to just sit with the shame, to just let it exist. Start the process of learning to tolerate it. And I explained that this was a really important step because no matter how much she is able to verbally process and just gain a better understanding of what's stopping her. And no matter what reframe or shift in thinking she's able to come to. And no matter what plan we come up within this session in terms of how to tackle the fridge and finally clean it out. If, when she goes to clean out that fridge,  she feels that shame start to creep in because she likely will. If she cannot tolerate that discomfort, she's really unlikely to get past that barrier and actually clean the fridge. She's way more likely to avoid it or tell herself she'll do it tomorrow or claim she doesn't have time to do it. Because she will be acting from shame. Or really acting in a way to avoid shame.

And the other thing we wanted to do was really examine what it looks like when she's being driven by shame.  So here's what it has looked like for her. She avoids doing it all together, or she puts it off until later or tomorrow over and over again. She has cleaned other things instead that feels easier, but she knows are less important. She feels silly about how hard it feels to do and how much she's putting it off. And she feels guilty thinking about all the food that she'll have to throw away and really thinks that she's doing a bad thing. Then she blames herself for not meal planning better and using up all the food that she's bought or cooked. She definitely ruminates about how this comes with the territory of her full-time job and really judges herself or not taking care of this responsibility. She thinks about how embarrassing it would be if other people saw her fridge. She asks herself what's wrong with me? This is such a simple thing. Why can't I do it? And she also feels really grossed out at the idea of some of the food she would have to throw away. But again, feels silly about that and kind of tells herself she should just get over that. 

So now we can see as a result, when she's thinking, I should be able to manage this and it's bringing up shame that a she's not managing it. Right. She's not cleaning it out. Like she so badly wants to do. But, and this part is way more important. She's not recognizing no, she shouldn't be able to manage this better. She wants to be able to manage it better, but she shouldn't be able to manage it better. 

The reasons she has for struggling to manage it are real. They are valid. Having ADHD means that managing a task like this can actually be really hard. Because having ADHD means you struggle with things like task initiation. She can't get started. Um, emotional regulation. Hello, shame, spiral. Self-motivation there's no, just do it. Planning and organizing, making a plan for all the food in the fridge and following through before it goes bad, managing time  estimating how long this will take and not running out of time in her day to do it inhibition, not being distracted by other things around her house and doing those things instead.  It also means you might have sensory issues, which causes you to avoid certain smells. Textures sounds. She was clearly grossed out by how the old food would smell and feel as she was discarding it, which. Yuck me too. I hate slimy smelly things, but when you don't acknowledge those challenges and you just hold yourself to neuro-typical expectations, you know, being that you should do it just because it's important or it's a priority. Well, you're left, ignoring all the things that are making it hard and you're simply willing yourself to do it.  And then beating yourself up when you don't. Instead of figuring out what supports you need in order to do it in a way that works for you. 

But it can actually be really painful to recognize this result that you. shouldn't be able to manage this better. Because it also requires working towards accepting your ADHD, like truly accepting it. Not just  in your head and intellectually understanding all the symptoms. Like really accepting what having it means for you. Does it mean she is incapable of cleaning their fridge? Absolutely not. But it does mean that it will be challenging.  And when you've spent so much time telling yourself, it's a simple thing to do. Accepting that it may be simple for other people, but not for you really sucks. 

And my client kind of spoke to this when she expressed that. while, there was a bit of relief in recognizing this, that it shouldn't be easy for her. There was also sadness. sadness. that there are deficits there and that's just how it is. And I wanted to validate that mix of emotions for her. I think that's a common experience for people. Once they start moving towards this acceptance, where. It's like on the one hand, there's just a big warm hug of compassion for yourself. Right there. Isn't anything wrong with me. You shouldn't be able to just do this. But on the other hand, It feels a lot better to think of ourselves as somebody who can.  So there is a sadness and grief and letting go of that version of ourselves. And again, when we go back to the fact that we have difficulty regulating our emotions,  so we end up avoiding or distracting ourselves from the discomfort they create. Well, if we keep imagining ourselves as that version, the one who can easily do things and just kind of will herself to get them done.  We can avoid the sadness and grief.  

Okay. So I didn't totally plan on going. That deep with this. Um, and maybe I'm getting kind of off topic here. But recognizing that something actually shouldn't be easier for you is no simple feat and it takes time. And probably some support like coaching or therapy or a support group. But it's so crucial in that it allows you to start actually asking for support. Or shifting your expectations or doing things in a way that works better for you. My client said, it's not that I want to stop trying. But I want to stop trying in that way. And she's referring to her tendency to just kind of pressure and shame and force herself to do things and really dismiss. What's making it difficult. And she went on to say, Because it isn't aligned with the truth of my reality. I'm never going to try my way into being a neuro-typical. And that's exactly it. That's where acceptance can take you for me personally, this is really at the heart of how I approach coaching.  

And that brings me to a third thing. That's happening here. Remember how I said, it's not that she's incapable of cleaning out the fridge. Well, she's spending so much time and energy just beating herself up for not doing it. That she's not stopping to consider what support she needs in order to be able to manage it better. 

And so now that we've really taken some time to become more aware of what's happening and why. Next, we took some time to figure this piece out. The, how do I support myself piece?  The okay. What now? Piece?

However, and I realize this might be a little mean of me. I will have to share the part two next time. Otherwise this episode will be very long and I don't like doing that to people.  And there's a lot to think about and digest here. So maybe you could actually use the break. But here's what I will do. I'll release this next week instead of in two weeks.  That. to me feels fair. Okay. So I will see you next week with part two, where we will dive into how she can support herself and do it in a way that works for her and allows her to actually get it done. I will see you then.