Episode 9: Trapped by the To-Do List (part 2)

In this weeks episode, I’ll be sharing part two of a session that started with being trapped by a to do list, and later shifted into coaching and a discussion about hyperfocus.  Last week I talked about a client who was stopping herself from a fun project for fear that she would hyperfocus on it and be pulled into what she referred to as “the vortex”

I’ll talk about my personal experience with “the vortex,” share some reasons why people with ADHD may have a tendency to hyperfocus, and discuss how understanding this can help us shift the way we view our hyperfocus which in turn can solve nothing and everything at the same time. 

If you are someone who really struggles to not hyperfocus on things or maybe avoids things because you worry you might end up hyper focusing on them, this episode is really here to normalize all of it. 

If you enjoyed this episode please subscribe to this podcast and make sure to rate and review so more people can access ADHD coaching support. And I would LOVE for you share it with your friends and family!

Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention. Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD. Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.

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http://www.adhdwithemily.com

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Transcript

 Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And today I will be giving you part two from trapped by my to-do list. Where I dive more into the hyper-focus part of that episode or the vortex as my client called it.  And if you didn't listen to that one, it was episode eight. So go back and take a listen. And I'll start by saying, holy moly. Did I procrastinate preparing and recording this episode?  I mean, top quality has been on my list for weeks and I have put it off and avoided it. Like the plague kind of procrastination.  This episode is supposed to be airing on Monday. It is currently Friday. Which seems like a lot of time, except we leave for a family trip tomorrow. And my kids get home from camp in three hours. And so this is the very last three hours I have to get it done.  hello urgency and thank you for kicking my butt into gear.  

Okay, glad I got that out there because in case any of you listening and thought that just because I have worked hard to understand my brain better and have been treating my ADHD for years now. And am a freaking ADHD coach. That I would magically have become this person who no longer procrastinates ever. Well, you would be very, very wrong. Um, two days ago when I first decided to actually get started on this episode. I instead packed for a trip we weren't leaving for for another three days. Uh, that's like three months in the ADHD world. So, you know,  that was just another way to put off starting this episode. And when I started, I then only had about 20 minutes before my next client.  And the irony of that as it pertains to this episode is that I was very aware that once I actually got started on this episode, I wasn't going to want to stop. And I was going to be very frustrated that I only gave myself a small amount of time to start working. But also the fact that I only had a small amount of time is what actually got me willing to get started.  Have I confused you yet? Um, I'll try to keep explaining.

So when I prepare an outline and write parts of these episodes, I do tend to get very hyper-focused on them. The no eating, drinking, and going to the bathroom and shoot. Now I'm going to be late to pick up my kids kind of hyper-focus. So sometimes I avoid getting started for a long time because I know it's going to take a lot out of me. And that sometimes I'll work longer than I intended on working on it.  I also know it's when I get some of my best work done. And also when doing the work feels easier. So it can be a really huge strength of mine.  But the vortex will pull me in, and sometimes I'm just not ready for that.  So if I have a client or something else that is time sensitive on the horizon. I know, I won't be able to get sucked in. I will have to stop. And that is both maddening, but also a relief that I don't have a choice to stop because if I have a choice, because it's an arbitrary time limit, I've set for myself. I'm much more likely to ignore it. And then be frustrated with myself for ignoring it.  Have I confused you yet, or maybe you're right there with me and you get it. And I feel like if you're listening, yeah, you might get it. Maybe. 

Okay, but the fact that this very concept hyperfocus is really something that I don't actually have the answer for. Clearly, if you've just listened to my entire introduction here. And I mean, I don't actually know that I have the quote unquote answer for most stuff. But this one, especially, I really don't know. It's something that I too can really struggle to pull myself out of.  And even if I go into something with the best of intentions, I know I get to this point where my brain is screaming at me to stop. And I feel like I literally can't. I physically cannot stop. And it can really make me feel quite powerless and pretty perplexed. So it made me really question my ability to do a whole podcast episode on it. So yes, I have been avoiding it. 

But then I realized maybe I don't have to have the answer to it. Maybe I don't have to tell you how I have certain tools, certain reframe, certain strategies that can help you too. So you don't ever get trapped in the vortex and.  Instead, maybe I'll just normalize that it's a thing that is really common for people with ADHD. And sometimes it can be a strength of ours that allows us to create and do really amazing things. And sometimes it can be a thing we really struggle with and can lead to undesirable outcomes. As well as feelings of shame and frustration, embarrassment, and regret. You know, all the really fun ones. 

So in this episode, I'll be sharing parts of the session I had with my client, as well as some of my own experiences involving hyper-focus and whether or not it will help you as the listener. I don't know. We'll see, but not making the episode. Definitely won't help you so. Let's just do it. 

Okay, moving on. So, if you remember from the last episode, My client had started by bringing up this fun project. She was wanting to work on.  But she was also really hesitant to dive in because she had a long list of things that needed to get done. And she was worried if she allowed herself to even just dip her toe into this other project. She would get sucked into the vortex, meaning she would end up totally hyper-focusing on it. And all the other stuff wouldn't get done.  And I, for one, totally understand this. 

You know, when I first really started learning more about ADHD and even after being diagnosed, I didn't really feel like I could relate to the hyper-focus characteristic of ADHD because. I didn't really feel like that happened to me very much.  And after some time I came to realize it's because I spent a lot of time avoiding things that I knew I would end up hyper-focusing on just like this client was doing. That was a big realization for me. And it makes a lot of sense. Because I've had some pretty negative experiences that came from me. Hyper-focusing on something. 

One experience I'll share here that like always sticks in my mind as it pertains to this is this one time my wife and I did a puzzle together. It was also the last time we did a puzzle together. Uh, she had gotten me a puzzle for birthday or holiday or something. And after months, maybe years of  waiting for me to do it. She finally just started at herself. She opened up the box. She started sorting pieces, putting some together, and then all of a sudden I wanted to join. 

Now, this was way before my diagnosis, way before understanding really anything about ADHD whatsoever. But now I know of course this happened because she got it started. That's the hardest part, right? Initiating it once she had all the pieces out and started sorting it, it felt so much easier for me to just hop in.  

And then I didn't stop. For hours. She at some point decided she was all done. And she told me it was getting late.  I might've heard her, who knows she got ready for bed said good night. I like mumbled back to her, something like, okay, I'm stopping soon, but I didn't. I was deep in the vortex telling myself. Okay. Okay. Just one more section. Just one more section. But man  sections are never done in a puzzle. A piece that finishes one section just starts another section. So I don't know around 2:00 AM or so I somehow just snapped out of it. And was like, what the hell am I doing? I was like about to pee my pants. I had a massive headache and felt like I just blacked out or something.

But what made this results in a really negative experience for both of us? Was the fact that my wife was going on a week long trip the next morning. And this was our last night together for awhile. And I had totally unintentionally. Blown her off.  She was pretty hurt and rightfully so. I was completely ignoring her and her attempts to talk to me or like get ready for bed with me.  And she had no idea why.  And when I finally snapped out of it and realized she was already sleeping and I had been a total jerk to her. I felt immense amounts of guilt and shame and remorse. I remember this was before either of us knew I had ADHD. 

And that's honestly why understanding your ADHD or your partner's ADHD is so important. Because now if a very similar scenario played out, My wife would likely, you know, like press me a little harder to stop at a reasonable time. She might  even physically help me walk away from it. And. Also, she wouldn't feel offended if I totally ignored her and continued working anyways.  This exact scenario, maybe not with a puzzle. It does happen from time to time.  Maybe it happens often. It depends on who you're talking to. And it's a very different experience for both of us.  

But back then it felt horrible. I felt so much shame and regret, and it really cemented for me that I really couldn't trust myself when I was doing something I enjoyed. So I didn't let myself do certain things. And I know this maybe sounds dramatic for a puzzle, but that's really what happened and that's really how it felt. 

 Okay. So back to my client who was clearly trying to avoid a similar fate and honestly, it's so understandable why, as she has also had experiences similar to this. And she even gave up an early career in illustration back when she had young kids. Because as she said, I could not get sucked in. It was too dangerous. I didn't have enough support. And I was in danger of letting my toddlers stick their fingers in the outlet or something. And that made her career feel impossible.

So then we got to talking about the actual experience when she does hyper-focus on something. She was describing a recent experience where she was all excited to get started on this new project. And it started off pretty well. She felt good. She was dusting off new skills. It was exciting, interesting, and challenging. All fantastic motivators for someone with ADHD.  And then she finished part of it and recognize that she probably could have stopped at that point.  But then she really couldn't turn it off and it started going downhill from there.  To the place where it was no longer fun, it was creating a lot of stress and she lost a lot of sleep because even once she did finally peel herself away, she couldn't stop thinking about it. She said it was like she had it under control. And then all of a sudden she didn't. And I don't know about anyone listening. But I could just feel all of this, like in my bones.  You know, as a coach, I'm trained to like stay pretty objective. You don't want to join a client in whatever they're in. But this one was hard to stay out of because same, same, same. 

So when she called this whole experience, the vortex, I was like, yeah. Bingo. That's it.  So, if this feels familiar to you, Hopefully this can help. I don't normalize it all a bit. Hopefully. 

But my client really wanted to figure out what she could do about this, like how she could support herself so that she could engage with projects and activities that she enjoys in a way that doesn't always turn into a really negative experience.  And what she felt like she wanted or needed. Was to be able to stop in a way that she could easily get back into it whenever she wanted. And that was such an interesting aspect of this to bring up because often we just think about how can I just get myself to stop when I'm in the middle of a hyper-focus. And this kind of brings up what seems to be one of the reasons why that may be so hard. 

I asked her right now, what tends to happen when she does finally get herself to stop. And she said, it's usually one of two things. She physically stops, but doesn't stop thinking about it. So it remains very all consuming.  Or she just stops all together. Never thinks about it again.  And this is an example of like, kind of that black and white world that ADHD years live in  the all or nothing.  And just really having a hard time finding the gray area. And that's a big deal because it's almost like her brain knows if she stops thinking about it. If she doesn't get back to it soon, she will never get back to it.  And again, that, that makes sense because in other sessions, we've discussed many things from her past that she started and never finished. And she has a lot of shame and embarrassment around that. 

And without understanding and treating your ADHD. That really can be what happens often. Because when you start something, it might be new and exciting and interesting. And all of the things, it gives us lots of motivation to get going.  Remember that interest based nervous system that people with ADHD have. But once those things were off and it's not so new, and maybe it's getting a little frustrating and it's losing your interest. Motivation starts to wane. And so getting started or, you know, initiating the task can feel so much harder and with no tools or supports to address that. We might just stop or abandon the thing altogether. So a fear of that happening could definitely be contributing to this feeling like she can't stop. Both doing it and thinking about it.  

She said, I want to stop in a way that I can easily get back into it whenever I want.  And then she said, and I love how she put this. Where are the exit doors that can also be entrance doors again?  It's like such a great question. And one of the things we really narrowed in on here was the idea that she wanted starting again to feel easy. And one thing we know about having ADHD is that task initiation. Not easy. Maybe it can be at times, like at the beginning of a new, exciting project or when we just spontaneously get into something. But oftentimes it's so freaking hard and we know that. So if stopping just means I'm going to have to start again and starting sucks. No, thank you. I just won't stop.  So having a goal of easily getting back into it when I want. It just might not be very realistic.  And if she waits until it feels easy. Well, she very well may never start again. 

So what if she instead works towards accepting that it's going to be hard to start again, and that sucks. And it might not be as exciting and feel as good to get started next time. And that sucks too. But at least then she can expect it. And she won't be surprised when that happens and she can support herself by being prepared with some tools or strategies. To get started again. , things like breaking down the task or finding the smallest place to start or asking someone for a body devil or an accountability buddy. There's lots of ways to support task initiation. And, you know, it might require finding a new entrance door. 

So that's one piece of it. And as we continue talking and she was recounting this recent experience, she was talking about how towards the end, she was just getting so frustrated . And was so exhausted that she finally stopped and assumed she would just pass out because she was so tired. But she couldn't turn her brain off and she was trying so hard to stop thinking about it, that it kept her awake until like 5:00 AM. And that meant she was just exhausted the next day and upset with herself for not being able to stop thinking about it and frustrated with how hard it is for her to transition out of things like this. 

 And with some exasperations in her voice, she asked. How do I do this thing I really enjoy. I really want to do it feeds my creativity. It's exciting. It's challenging. And it's stimulating my brain. How do I do that? And not get sucked into the vortex. 

 And here's where I really just couldn't give her the answer. She wanted this five step plan to avoid. Hyper-focus.  Maybe there's one out there. I'd like it. If there is. But I think the truth is hyperfocus is. going to get the best of us sometimes. Sure there are definitely some tools to maybe get ahead of it or interrupt it and I can go over some of them now. You know, Setting boundaries ahead of time, knowing it will be difficult to stop.  That's really important because then you can set alarms or you can start something when you have a non-negotiable time limit. Like I had mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I started before I had a client. So I knew I would absolutely have to stop.  Asking for someone to check in on you or gently encourage you to take a pause after a certain amount of time. There are definitely lots of ways you can set some time boundaries beforehand. And there are strategies to pull yourself out of it. Physically getting up and moving away. Talking out loud to yourself and saying,  I dunno, like that's enough for today, or you will thank yourself later. If you stop now. I don't know, these are just examples, but definitely talking out loud is more effective than internally screaming at yourself. We don't listen when we're screaming at ourselves. Um, noticing when you no longer feel in control of what you're choosing to do this, part's very hard. But it can be done. And that really allows you to pause just long enough to give yourself an opportunity to make an intentional choice about what you want to do next. Right? Like there are tools to support you here. 

But sometimes none of that will work and five hours will go by and you will forget to have lunch or drink any liquid whatsoever. Or you didn't get to something else you had planned on doing, and you might immediately be filled with frustration, shame, embarrassment, guilt, self judgment. Whatever those emotions might be. And here's where just understanding ADHD and how your brain works. Can really have an impact because those emotions are likely coming from thoughts like, oh, that was so stupid of me or what's wrong with me? I screwed up again. I can't believe I let myself do that again.  Something along those lines. And those are all really self-blaming thoughts. They will, of course bring up all those really negative emotions. But if you can understand why having ADHD makes you more inclined to hyper-focus,  You can start to shift those thoughts to something like that's frustrating that I just got so wrapped up in that or, oh, I wish I hadn't done that, but I can understand why. Or even like, man, the vortex got me again. And that can help alleviate  some of the emotional pain we are putting on ourselves.  Yes, it's frustrating. But it's because you have ADHD, not because there's something wrong with you.  

And so when my client is laying in bed and is already frustrated that it's so late and she's still thinking about it. And then when she is now exhausted the next day, because she didn't sleep much. That part is hard enough. But beating herself up for it while trying to go to bed. And then again, the next day, It's only making it so much harder for her and adding to the stress and exhaustion. She's already feeling.

 Is this something that will just like magically click overnight? No, it takes time and practice and probably some support like coaching or therapy. But it can make a difference because we can't just magically make our brains be different, but we can change how we view and talk to ourselves when our brains do. what they do.

And, you know, there can be so many factors that contribute to our tendency to hyper-focus some I talked about here such as motivation, task initiation, emotional regulation. There's other things like perfectionism. Cognitive flexibility. I mean, that's a huge one because we can really. struggle to transition in and out of tasks. Especially out of a preferred task or into a non-preferred task. So cognitive flexibility plays a huge role in why we hyper-focus. Uh, what else? Self-trust time management. I mean, there could probably be a part three here, but then I would have to make a part three and making part two was hard enough. So no thanks. I'm not going to do that. 

But the last thing I will add.  And sometimes when I say the last thing, it ends up not being the last thing. So I'm going to try really hard here.  But if this episode resonates with you, you might want to try really purposefully. Actually allowing yourself to hyper-focus sometimes. Like I said at the beginning, we can do and create really amazing things when we hyper-focused, it can really be a strength of ours if we let it, if you are constantly trying to prevent yourself from hyper-focusing. on things and then beating yourself up, when you do. Or if you're just avoiding things that you might end up hyper-focusing on. You might also be stopping yourself from doing some pretty cool things. So maybe just see what happens if you actually allow for it once in a while.  I obviously can't guarantee how that will turn out. But maybe it's worth explorimenting.  And okay. explorimenting was a word. One of my clients used accidentally in a session once. You know who you are, if you're listening and I loved the word and I use it a lot now, so yeah, Explorer meant with it. Allow for a hyper-focus every once in a while.

Okay. I'm at the end here and I honestly. don't know whether this helps or makes it all seem worse.  I feel like I need to add that. I don't mean to imply that hyper-focus is something that we have no control over. But honestly, if I'm being realistic, sometimes it really does feel like we have no control over. it. And when that happens,  I really encourage you to try to just understand why, instead of just blaming yourself for it.  

So there is my episode on the vortex. I am so glad it's done. Excuse me while I attempt to stop here and not enter the edit reedit reedit, reedit, reedit vortex.  That. is calling my name because perfectionism is a thing. So, yeah, I'll see you all next time.  Which is a really funny way to sign off of a podcast because I won't actually see any of you. I'll be looking at my computer screen and you'll see whatever you're looking at while you're listening to this.  And clearly my ADHD is getting very carried away right now. So I will just say goodbye.