Episode 10: Why Can't I Follow a Routine?

In this weeks episode, I share a recap from a coaching session I had with a client who was really wanting to get back into a morning routine after having stopped her previous morning routine a few months ago.  We really dive into the VERY complicated relationship those of us with ADHD can have with routines.  I'll share how perfectionism and black and white thinking were contributing to her difficulty deciding on a routine, and then share what we really uncovered as the root cause of why she wasn't starting a new one. 

Routines CAN be great for ADHDers but they can also be one more thing on the dreaded to do list and one more reason for us to beat ourselves up when we're not following them.  If you struggle with routines, you'll definitely want to listen to this episode and then maybe begin the process or reassessing the purpose of some of these routines and whether or not you actually want to keep them around. 

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Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention. Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD. Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.

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Transcript

 Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And in today's episode. I'm going to be sharing about a session I had with a client who was desperately wanting to get back into a morning routine and was very frustrated with herself that she had fallen out of her previous morning routine. 

We seriously discovered such important stuff in this session that I think will really help some of you see what could potentially be at the root of why we can have such complicated relationships with routines.  Especially the morning and the nighttime routine. This was very eye-opening for me. And I hope it will be for you as well. 

So let's get started.   So the session began with this client describing her desire to get back into a morning routine. She had been following one for a while, but stopped a few months ago and really felt the need to get a new one established. I first asked her what her old routine consisted of and she described a few different things she used to do to start her day involving yoga and stretching some spiritual practices. Being out in nature and incorporating some type of movement. I asked her if she could identify what caused her to stop. 

And she explained that she had injured her neck and back and had become really nervous about doing the yoga and stretching part, uh, because she didn't trust that she wouldn't further injure herself. And so she ended up just taking all the movement stuff like off the table of things to do when she woke up.  Then she said she would start coming down in the morning with the intention of just going straight to the spiritual practices. But started to feel like because she couldn't do the other parts. 

Now the whole thing was messed up and she no longer had the momentum. To kind of start that spiritual routine. So she found herself like on her phone and kind of not doing any of it.  And eventually she just abandoned even attempting the routine altogether. And now months later, she's very mad at herself for letting it all go. So right off the bat, we can already see some of that black and white thinking. In action here. The tendency to feel like if I can't do all of it, why do any of it? And that's just so common among people with ADHD.  So that's just one piece of all of this to be aware of and for her to be aware of.  

Okay. So now we have began to identify some of the reasons that led to her stopping her routine. And next I wanted to know why she wanted one to begin with. I asked her what the purpose of her routine was, why she felt it was so important to have one. 

And she responded that a lot of it is because she knows it's good for her physical and mental health. She knows the importance of. Moving her spine and getting in some movement. And she said it kind of puts her in a good head space  so she can move forward and feel good and it helps fill her cup so she can fill other people's cups. She could also recognize that without it, she feels like she's kind of lost touch with a deeper sense of herself. So she seemed to have some pretty good whys for her morning routine. And we'll kind of revisit this a bit later as we uncover more.  

Now that we have established why a morning routine is important to her. Next I wanted to see what her thoughts about stopping her old routine were. She said she felt a lot of remorse about it because as she had put it, I had it and now it's gone.  



That one stings. And now on top of all of that, she's feeling like she has to figure out how to create a new one. 

And because she is deeply familiar with how hard it can be to start up again. Because this kind of thing is a common pattern for her in the past. Her remorse that she stopped is only amplified. She's dreading creating a new one, but also says she recognizes how much better she is with a routine. So is telling herself she has to recreate it. And that's making her feel very overwhelmed because it entails a lot of decisions. She isn't sure if it should be the same or a completely different one. Or if she should keep some of the old stuff and if so, which parts should she keep? 

Which part should she get rid of? So she really just gets stuck, figuring out what it should look like.  She also starts to think about the boundaries that she'll have to impose on herself that she's really enjoyed not having, for example, getting up earlier, she's really enjoyed sleeping in.  

And she can see that she's resisting setting those boundaries.  But also believes that taking care of herself like this has to happen in the morning. Otherwise, she feels like she won't come back to it.  She also said she really sees this as like starting all over and knows that it won't feel good because she's no longer in the habit of doing it. And so doing something that's supposed to feel good and knowing it won't at first is also really adding to the resistance.  And she's also scared that she will just fail at a new routine, meaning she'll set it all up and then not stick to it consistently.  And so what's happening is she's just finding herself stuck in this space where she is. Imagine all the different ways she could do this morning routine. 

She's kind of telling herself like tomorrow I'll start tomorrow. I'll do it. And then she's really not doing any of it. And then she's feeling a lot of shame and frustration that she still hasn't gotten back into a morning routine.  All the remorse, the resistance, the shame, the dread, the overwhelm. 

It's a lot of emotions. There's a lot of really uncomfortable emotions. And it's really just keeping her stuck. 

All right. So now we know why she stopped her last routine. Why a routine is so important to her. And what's going on in her head that is leading to a lot of this inaction, right. This place where she's just feeling stuck.  It may seem like a lot so far and that's okay. 

We're kind of putting a puzzle together here and there's a lot of pieces to work out. Like I said, people with ADHD can have very complicated relationships with routines. I know I do. Maybe you do too.  

All right. So it's been established. She wants to start a morning routine and I decided to ask her what that looked like.  And along with that, I asked her to kind of estimate how much time she thought each part might take. So we could get a better sense of what her morning would actually look like.  And she proceeded to describe a very detailed and specific morning routine that included teeth and skincare, hydration, yoga, being out in nature, dancing, spiritual practices. And all of it added up to like an hour and 20 minutes. And honestly, it could probably take a lot longer.  This is why it's so important to lay it all out like this, because oftentimes we're kind of like beating ourselves up for not doing something. In this case, you know, getting into a routine.  And we're likely just thinking like, c'mon, it's not that hard. 

Just do it. Why am I not doing it already? You know, when she was talking about certain parts, she even said it doesn't even take that long and it's not arduous. And yet I'm still not doing it. 

 Now for some people, maybe some of you listening, seen it laid out like this and acknowledging how long it will realistically take can really help them see why they're avoiding it. And it may help them find a more realistic routine with more manageable time requirements. But I will say at this point, this client, she still didn't really consider the time it would take to be an issue. So I asked her then what she thought was preventing her from doing it.

Because at the beginning she had said it was because she wasn't quite sure what it would look like. But now she laid out a pretty clear plan. So I was curious about what might stop her from waking up tomorrow and doing exactly what she had just told me.  And she thought for a minute and then said, you know, the amount of steps and choices I might have to make, you know, if it's cold out, I'll need a jacket or maybe I won't want to go outside and. What music will I dance to? 

And what if my neck starts to hurt? And what if I have an early class and I can't do all of it, which parts will I do? Which parts will I leave out?  And as she was talking, she really started recognizing how much perfectionism and rigidity were playing a role here. This idea that it all had to be set up in a very specific way. And she had to know exactly what she was going to do and had to do each part in a specific way every day, or like, why bother. It wasn't worth it.  Perfectionism is something that comes up in many areas of her life. 

So she's pretty familiar with how it can really be a huge barrier. In her moving towards her goals. And she recognized that combating that means like taking baby steps towards starting it, me name showing up imperfectly and. Maybe only doing parts of it and not worrying so much about what she's doing and just doing something.  But that's obviously way easier said than done. 

 And so I asked her what she thinks, prevents her from doing that, like showing up imperfectly.  And here's where she came to a big aha big realization in all of this.  And she's kind of thinking about it for a while. And then she expressed what she recognized as a real underlying belief of hers. And she said, if I can create certain practices, then I would be programmed in a certain way and I would be better.  

So.  All of this really stems from this feeling that she's not good enough. Exactly as she is. That she needs to be better. Do better show up better.  Now, this is a belief shared by many human beings in general. I'm not claiming that this is ADHD specific, . But it is a belief shared by many ADHDers created by living with a neurodivergent brain in a world, really set up for neuro-typical people. And, you know, going through life, receiving countless messages directly and indirectly that you're doing something wrong. You need to try harder. You need to do it differently. You're not doing enough.  And on an on.  She knows how often she's heard messages about consistency. And if you just do, you know, such and such every day, And now she holds this belief that if I want to be a certain way, You know, in this case, that certain way is probably closer to neuro-typical.  I have to do these things this way.  This need for a routine runs so deep and if her worth and like enoughness as a person is tied to being able to do. This very specific routine from start to finish every day. Well,  that's a lot of pressure and of course there would be fear around not sticking to it because if she doesn't. Or if she only does part of it, well, that's not good enough. And then the thought is maybe she's not good enough.  

Now, and I say this often.  The stuff she's realizing within the session. She's not necessarily consciously aware of it in the moment. In the moment, she's just feeling remorse and likely shame. That she stopped her last one and frustrated. Also likely a shame that she hasn't gotten back into one and she's really just spending a lot of time beating herself up for it. 





But it's not that she's incapable of coming up with some type of routine and getting started. It's that the need for a routine is coming from a place of needing to be better or fixed. 

And perfectionism is there telling her that it has to look a very specific way and if she does it wrong, it won't fix her. And society is telling her that she needs to be consistent. So she needs to do it every day or it won't fix her. And fear is telling her that if she tries and can't stick to it, It won't fix her. a routine is basically just serving as a reminder that she needs to be better. 

 So, of course she's currently avoiding one. And instead of risking failing and thus remaining, not enough. She just stays stuck in a place of imagining all the things that she can make part of the routine and envisioning her future self that does the whole routine every morning. 

And this kind of keeps the hope alive that she can. And one day will be better. She'll be fixed.  Future fantasies like this can definitely feel really good  

and can really protect us from, you know, feeling that maybe we're not fixable. But they can also really keep us from taking any action towards a goal.

Okay, so this is, this is a lot, right? This is, this is a lot to take in. You might want to listen to this episode twice.  Uh, alright.  So, you know, then we got to discussing how the real work here is not. You know, figuring out what routine and how to do it.  But figuring out how to feel like I am enough, regardless of any routine that I do.   Right. Like she came to this session wanting to kind of pin down this routine, wanting to figure out how to get going and get started on a routine.  But the work is not figuring out the routine. It's figuring out how to be enough without the routine. So that.  I can do things that do actually feel good and make me feel better. But not do them so that I can be better.   

There's a very subtle distinction there. So I'm going to say it one more time. Right. The work is figuring out how to feel like I am enough  regardless of any routine I do so that I can show up. And do things that actually feel good and make me feel better, right? Like have a routine that does feel good. 

It makes me feel better. But I'm not doing them so that I can be better.  Okay. Hopefully the second time that sunk in. . 

 And you know, this client, she really has spent the last few years, like trying to understand her brain better, trying to understand ADHD, you know, accepting herself and her diagnosis. 

. And I think she was almost surprised to realize that some of those older beliefs of hers. That she isn't good enough or that she needs to be better, that she has worked really hard to challenge. We're still popping up in her need for a routine. And she was able to recognize that she's spent about 20 years trying to make and perfect this morning routine. 

And while in the past few years, she has challenged herself to no longer believe this narrative. She did spend about 16 or 17 of those years with this core belief as the driving force. And that's a long time holding on to that belief that this routine is going to somehow change who she is, make her better. And so it's going to take some time to dismantle it. And those old beliefs can really sneak in and we don't even notice it. And acknowledging they're there in the first place is a really crucial first step because then she becomes more aware of what's actually holding her back and she can start the process of disrupting them and shifting to more intentional and compassionate beliefs. Which is exactly what she wanted to work towards. 

Because the thing is, she still really does want a morning routine because she can recognize the personal benefits having one in the past has provided her. 

And she really knows it can help her start the day feeling good and better about herself. And. Ready to go. And as a result, she's able to show up and move through her day in ways that do feel better to her. And so she's decided that moving forward. Her intention is to include things in a routine that are actually a gift to her. Not things to create a program, to be something different. Those were her words. And I just thought that was such a beautiful way of putting it. 

And so I brought us back to her list of things she was trying to include in her routine. So we could see if they were aligned with this new intention. , we looked at the different parts to see if she was including certain things. So that she could, you know, be more productive so that she could control her impulses. You know, just kind of show up in a more acceptable way to other people. In other words, be better. Or.  If she was including them so that she can feel good so that she can start her day in a better mood so that she can do something rejuvenating and good for her soul.  In other words, feel better.

And she said at this point it was a bit hard to figure out because for so long, she's been telling herself that she should do these things. And now it's really hard to tell what she actually wants to do.  And that's important to notice because when we tell ourselves we should be doing something that tends to bring up a lot of shame and then we're often really resistant to actually doing it.  So I asked her with this new intention in mind. You know, doing things that actually feel good that help her feel better.  What do you want to do when you wake up?  And she said she wanted to awaken her spirit. And when I asked her what that looked like, she gave lots of different examples. She said, you know, being playful and silly, maybe getting out in nature and like talking to the birds and just running around, moving her body to music. And because all of these things can awaken her spirit. There's so many different ways to do that. If the weather's cold, she can stay in and dance. If it's nice out, she can be playful outside. It doesn't have to be one specific thing. That you know, she doesn't want to do it. The whole routine is pointless. And she will be much more likely to do something when she isn't so worried about doing it wrong.  Then I asked about some of the other parts she previously included in this routine, such as, you know, the stretching and yoga. And she said she really did want to do some type of stretching and movement of her spine and also recognize she could easily incorporate that into the awakening of her spirit part because she's moving around anyways. Same with incorporating exercise. Like each thing didn't have to be this separate five to 15 minute, do it exactly like this thing. They could be all done together in a more fun and enjoyable way. And require way less time. When she needs like a shorter routine, if she has like an earlier class or, you know, she didn't get as much sleep and wants to sleep in, it's just more flexible. It's the gray area. We have a really hard time seeing the gray area.  

Okay. So what else? She had also mentioned that she wanted to include  drinking water. As part of this routine, she knows hydration can be really hard for her earlier. She had even said  if we could figure this out, meaning how to get more hydrated, my life would be different. Right. And so that kind of fits into . This old narrative of. You know, if I can drink water. I'll be fixed. 

I'll be better.  And now she's really able to shift from like, oh, I should really be drinking more water to, I want to drink water in the morning because I know I would feel better. she's very aware. that she doesn't feel great and has less energy when she's not drinking water.  So now when I asked her why she wants to do all of these things, right? Like getting back to the purpose. She said, I want to be aligned with the essence of who I am. So that when I go throughout the day, I'm on my team.  Again, those were her words. 

She was just coming up with some fabulous stuff during this session. Um, I want to like stitch that on a pillow. And. the thing is , that is so different than so I can be a better version of myself.  When she had told me her purpose earlier in the session for a routine. It's not that she said, I want to do these things so I can be a better version of myself. But we kind of uncovered that, the reason behind all of the things that she was putting in her routine. Was so that she could be a better version of herself because right now this version is not enough.  You know, That is really coming from a place of like, trying to prove yourself, prove your worth. While, I want to be aligned with the essence of who I am, so that when I go through the day, I'm on my team. 

That comes from a place of actually caring for yourself and wanting to feel your best for you. Will that also help you show up in different ways that are more beneficial for you. 

And that also might have a positive effect for other people. Absolutely. But primarily it's for you. 

Now when she wakes up and has things she actually wants to do and likes the reason behind them, she's much more likely to do it. Now notice I said much more likely does that mean she won't still feel resistance some mornings? Of course not.  Having ADHD means we live in the now and right now the bed is comfy. You know, it's hard to see the future, so it can be hard to do something for your future self. Even if that future self. is one hour from now. Some mornings, it will feel hard to get up and do things, even if they are things we want to do. 

So I encouraged her to expect that resistance on some mornings. And try not to make it mean she can't do her routine.  I reminded her on those mornings, not to start. Beating herself up, try to force herself out of bed or kind of just throw our hands in the air and give up altogether. But to really get curious about where the resistance is coming from. Is she, , back to telling herself she should do it. Is she telling herself she's not doing enough to fix herself? Or she actually just exhausted and sleeping in is what will help her feel more aligned, feel better. Now the act of getting up and getting started still could be hard. So it's going to be important for her to come back to her reason for doing one. Because again, she's much more likely to get up and get started on a routine that helps her feel good. Then she has to get up and start a routine that reminds her she's not currently good. enough

alright. And the last thing I'll mention here is that no one actually has to have a routine.  Seriously, you don't have to have one. You can just get up and get going with things in a random order that can change from day to day. And you are still a perfectly good worthy. Amazing human being.  My client actually wanted a routine and her reasons were just getting a little lost in all the shoulds and I need to do a better, be better narrative. Once she came to acknowledge that having a routine is neutral, having one won't make her a better person, not having one. Doesn't make her a worse person. You know, she could actually determine the real reasons she wanted one and then create one that she felt really good about. But if you don't have reasons that feel good to you and following a routine, always just feels like something you're supposed to do, or you should do. Then you're off the hook. There's no rule that says you have to have some kind of routine. There's also no rule that says you must decide on and keep a routine forever. Or that if you decided not to follow a routine, now you can never follow one in the future or that if you stopped a certain routine, you can't get back into it. Two months, three months, four years later.  Or that having one means you must do it every day.

I actually think the name routine might be the real problem here. It seems to from in strict,  I think I'd prefer like a loose outline to follow.  Or maybe that's exactly what a routine without all those rules actually is. I don't know. Okay. I'm about to start talking in circles. And rethink this entire episode. So I'm going to leave it there. Enjoy, whatever loose outline you have going on for the rest of your day. And I will see you next time.