Episode 7: Why Can't I Put These Boxes Away?

In this weeks episode, I share a recap from a coaching session I had with a client who was really frustrated with himself for letting all of his packages pile up and take over his living room. I will share how, through the coaching process, we uncovered how his thoughts about how he shouldn't have bought so much as well as his frustration that this is so hard for him was really holding him back from from tackling these boxes.  I'll talk about impulse buying  and why it's is so common amongst people with ADHD as well as why we tend to wait until things are urgent in order to get something done. 

You'll see how this client was able to become aware of the shame avoidance cycle he was currently in as he got a better understanding of what was causing that.  And once we addressed that barrier THEN we were able to figure out what support he needed and what strategies would be helpful to him in moving towards his goal.   If you are someone who feels unable to tackle certain projects, even projects you WANT to do, then hopefully this episode will help you see some of the reasons why and what you can do to support yourself. 

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Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention.  Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD.  Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.   
 
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Transcript

Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And today I'm going to be talking about a session I had with a client who is sick of staring at all the boxes that were taking over his living room of miscellaneous purchases. 

He had made. He told me that some have been sitting there for what feels like forever. And he doesn't know how to tackle it. And he's so frustrated with himself about how much he has let them pile up. Yeah, things starting to pile up can be such a challenge for ADHD or is because what was maybe at one point. Fairly manageable starts to feel like Mount Everest and just totally unmanageable. 

So let's get into it.  He started by just describing the overtaking of boxes he was staring at and was telling me that he always has a plan to open the boxes and start putting away the items. But inevitably the time comes to do this and he somehow finds a way to just totally avoid it. And then every time he's confronted with the boxes, he just becomes so frustrated that he hasn't taken care of it as well as defeated by the fact that this is and has always been so challenging for him. 

So we started off by uncovering some of the thoughts he was having as he sat there, looking at the boxes and he had a lot. Why did I order all this stuff? I have too much already. This wasn't a good investment. I shouldn't have bought all of this stuff. Those were a few of them. Now, those seem like they're definitely all tied together, but we landed on that last thought being the most prominent one. The one that kind of felt the heaviest, like when I said it out loud, it stings.  And I asked him what emotion comes up for you when you're looking at those boxes and you're thinking I shouldn't have bought all this stuff. And he said it makes him really anxious. 

Now I will say, as we got further into the session, we did come to discover that there was also quite a lot of shame that this was creating as well. And that might have been the primary emotion and the anxiety was more around like the boxes, continuing to pile up. Often when we have should thoughts, I should be able to do X, Y, Z. I shouldn't need such and such. It brings up shame as we're essentially blaming ourselves for something that really isn't our fault. 

And this happens a lot in coaching where we think we're experiencing a certain emotion only to find when we dig a little deeper. It's actually something else or it's also something else. And that's a big part of the coaching process to expanding your emotional vocabulary, as well as getting better at identifying what the different emotions feel like in your body. Which is important because of certain emotions are driving behaviors that aren't helping you or keeping you from reaching a goal. Well, it's important to be able to recognize them so you can work towards tolerating them and just letting them pass instead of acting from them.  

So now we start to zoom in on one of these particular times that he had every intention to unpack the boxes and put everything away and it just didn't happen. He said, this happens a lot on the weekends, is that when he has the time to do it, but then he never does. 

So I asked what happened this past weekend. When the day came to tackle it. And he said, well, first I get kind of mad at myself and question why I can't just do it.  Thanks Nike for that slogan. Um, and then I'll judge myself for not having handled it differently. He went on to explain that he can tackle something like this when it's urgent, like when he has people coming over and he really hates it. That's the only time he can get himself to clean up. I'm going to address this piece in a bit but for now back to what happens on the weekends. He said, he thinks a lot about how much effort is going to be involved. And his mind goes to thinking about clearing space to do this and the cleanup and breaking down all the boxes after and deciding where to put everything and making space for those things. And this kind of spiraled into the need to clean his whole apartment. , and here's where I think we can see that anxiety piece causing a lot of just this like spiraling of everything else that has to happen. 

He also starts to regret some of the things he has purchased, but also tells himself, like he's not going to end up returning any of it. And this ends with him feeling like he doesn't have the energy for it and claiming he's too tired and will do it another time. He'll then do something easier, like play video games or watch a show or a movie.  And then the work week starts up again and he's so mad at himself for not getting to it. Hello, shame again. But tells himself, I'll just do it next weekend and rinse and repeat. Until he has guests over and if this sounds familiar, you are in the right place. 

Clearly, you can see how shame and anxiety are really preventing him from doing this thing. He so desperately wants to do. We talked about how shame feels super crappy, and you can see how at first he kind of indulges in the shame as he ruminates on his inability to do the task, but eventually we don't like to feel it. So we of course avoid the thing that's causing the shame in the first place and distract ourselves with something that will feel better in his case, video games and TV.  

And in an effort to further protect from this uncomfortable feeling. Our brain comes up with some very believable reasons for why we aren't doing it. I'm like I'm too tired. Right? And tries to make us feel better with this little fantasy thought. Like I'll do it next weekend.  And we are fully convinced in the moment. It is absolutely true. And so we are momentarily free from feeling the shame. But that doesn't actually release the shame. It just kind of berries it momentarily. And then it comes back to hover over us, like a rain cloud, or like quiet music playing in the background that we just continue to try to block out with an umbrella or louder music, but it's there.  

And so you can see how this cycle will just continue to repeat itself as each week goes by. And he still hasn't put the boxes away. The shame will only intensify and the avoidance will continue. And every time he thinks I shouldn't have bought all this stuff and acts driven by that shame. He will continue to prevent himself from even determining which stuff he doesn't actually want, because he would have to take them out of the box to see what they even are. As well as prevent himself from being able to use any of the stuff that he does still want.  

Unless we find a way to break that cycle, which means challenging some thoughts, regulating the emotions and determining what would be helpful. Moving forward so he can do the thing he wants to do, which is unpack the boxes and put the things away. And possibly return a few things.  

One thing to also mention, as it pertains to understanding ADHD, more impulse buying is very common for people with ADHD. Impulsivity is something we can struggle with as inhibition is one of the executive functions. And so we might buy something before we really stopped to think about whether we need it, or if it's within our budget. Also buying can feel good, so it can give us some dopamine, which we're always on the hunt for. So over purchasing and then feeling shame about it is definitely a shared experience by many ADHD years. And again, , understanding it through the ADHD lens. Why we are more likely to spend impulsively. Can help us see, it's not a moral failing and can hopefully start to shed some of that shame. It brings.  

So we started by talking about which stuff he shouldn't have bought. And he honestly wasn't even sure because he doesn't even know what's in the boxes anymore. But he did bring up some things that he has bought before that he ended up not using, but also not returning. Uh, ADHD and returns so hard. But, okay. This was helpful because right away we were able to challenge that thought because he truly didn't know if it was true and acknowledged that it was very possible. It wasn't true. He might actually need, or want everything in the boxes. This thought was based on past negative experiences, regretting buying something and then never returning it. And that past experience and the shame he felt was influencing his current experience.  

So there was the first barrier and one that was maybe fairly easy to remove just because he could so acknowledge it. Wasn't true. And for that one, just being aware of that in the moment really can make it, so the thought can be dismissed pretty quickly. Not all thoughts are this easy though. And the barriers that came next, really where the trickier ones.  

Next, I really wanted to challenge the way he was judging himself for quote, unquote only being able to take care of stuff like this when people were coming over.  So we shifted to the education part of coaching. And I explained to him that that's incredibly common for people with ADHD because of our interest based nervous system. Yes, putting this stuff away is important to him. He doesn't want it out. But that's not what motivates us. Super annoying.  What does motivate us is novelty challenge, interest and urgency. Now of putting away these items isn't novel or interesting, or some kind of challenge, like a good challenge. Remember. He's likely to wait until it's urgent people coming over in order to get the motivation to tackle it because doing something without any motivation is so hard. So this part really does make a lot of sense. When you look through the ADHD lens, it really helps explain why ADHD years can be prone to procrastination. Because we need that deadline, that urgency to help us get started and focus on the task. The number of papers I wrote in college the night before they were due.  That makes total sense to me now, why I did that?

And I also just want to mention here that urgency honestly, can sometimes be used as like a strategy or some type of support for people with ADHD. You know, getting things done at the last minute. Is not always horrible. Like sometimes it is nice when people are coming over that that's kind of your, let me clean up and, you know, put all these things away. So urgency, it's not always a bad motivator. But we do want to move towards being able to actually make an intentional choice about when we want to get something done and not always using urgency. To get something done. And for this client, He didn't want to always be waiting until people came over to put everything away. Because he didn't like the in-between of having to stare at all the boxes. That we're taking up his living room. So.  It's not that using urgency. Is a negative thing. We just want to be able to work towards not always needing urgency to get something done. 

So in order to manufacture a little motivation, we talked about his why for putting this stuff away. People with ADHD live in the, now it's hard to see the future, but it's often important to think about the future in order to move towards our goal, which again, in this case is to unbox things and put them away. And he talked about how it really does take up a lot of space. He would feel so much better if they weren't all stacked up in one place, just sitting there. He would be able to set up some exercise stuff so he can get back into exercising. He could have people over more often. So this is just something to keep in mind when starting something feels hard. And in the moment we don't want to do it. Thinking about that end goal, why we want to get it. done? How we will feel once we're done? that can help find some motivation to get started. I love repeating things to myself. Like I'm willing to do X, Y, Z, so that I can fill in the blank. So for him, I'm willing to tackle five boxes right now so that I can put those things away and the piles will be smaller.

Which brings us to the next part, because again, that doesn't mean we just do it seriously. That is the most not ADHD friendly slogan ever. We still have ADHD.  We still struggle with tasks that involve our executive functions. So yes, we've addressed some of the thoughts and emotions holding us back. Now we have to figure out what support is needed to actually move forward. In the session, we found a few things that could be supportive. One being an accountability, buddy, he decided he could ask a friend to chat on the phone while he went through some of the boxes. He was going to tell his friend, that's what he would be doing, which adds out accountability. He's less likely to put it off if she knows that he's planning to do it. And he won't just forget because the phone call will remind him.  It also makes a non-preferred task, meaning something he doesn't want to do. Less boring, which can definitely make the task less horrible.  This is a strategy that he has continued to use for so many different things. And one that works really well for him. 

We also wanted to get some clarity on a plan for this currently, he was really just thinking one weekend day, he would just buckle down and tackle all the packages. Well, that's a bit overwhelming and probably would require quite a bit of energy. And when things are overwhelming, we also tend to avoid them. So we really needed to make this less overwhelming and more manageable. He said the thought I don't have to do it all at the same time, gave him a lot of relief and helped him to come up with a plan, to do a chunk at a time. It can be frustrating when we want the whole thing done. But that often leads to none of it getting done. And so recognizing that some isn't all, but it's definitely better than none is important. And each time he tackles a chunk of this project. I think he decided on like five packages, maybe moving to 10 at some point. Well, he would start proving to himself that he can actually get it done. And this could soothe with some of the anxiety. As the pile of packages was start getting smaller. 

 And finally the matter of when just saying next weekend is really setting yourself up for failure because it becomes too easy to just push it off until later and later until there is no later, So deciding on what would be a good time to do this was another support to help him get It. done.  

Now, of course, he still has to actually do the act of opening the boxes. Put in away the items and breaking down the boxes. But he's no longer just willing himself to eventually do it all while being thwarted by negative thoughts and emotions. He's approaching it with various supports and strategies. And preparing for the fact that he likely won't want to, that he will try to put it off and he knows. When that starts to happen, he can take a pause. Acknowledge the shame and anxiety. Let it be there. No, of course that is not easy, but it is necessary. And remember why he wants to get it done, remind himself of what he is willing to do to make that happen, and then stick to the clearly laid out plan. With various supports in place.