Episode 4: I Need to Organize my Life!

In this weeks episode, I share a recap from a coaching session I had with a client who was feeling really anxious about her classroom being such "a mess".  She was getting really frustrated and stressed out about how much of her time is spent looking for things she can't find, and was really wishing she could just be more organized.  I will share how, through the coaching process, we uncovered the thoughts that were creating a lot of overwhelm as well as shame,  leaving her exhausted and unable to figure out where to start, let alone do anything  about it.  I'll discuss the effects of our negative self talk on our emotions and energy levels, as well as how understanding our brains can help us shift to a more compassionate way of speaking to ourselves.  We also discussed  how overwhelm can REALLY prevent us from taking action and I explain how Newton's Law of Inertia is basically describing those of us with ADHD. 

I know organization and losing things is something SO many of us struggle with and often times, our thoughts are really keeping us from finding systems that do work for us.   Main stream/neurotypical advice about the "correct" way to be organized doesn't tend to work for ADHD brains which is why it's so important that we really consider what DOES work for us and let go of how it's "supposed" to look.  Make sure to listen for some important strategies and things to consider when addressing "the mess"! 

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Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention. Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD. Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.

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http://www.adhdwithemily.com

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Transcript

 Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And today I'm going to be talking about a session I had with a client who is feeling very anxious about how disorganized her classroom was and felt really frustrated with herself for not being able to get it and keep it more organized. And  I know this is something so many of us with ADHD can fully relate to. So let's get into it. I should warn you.  There is a tiny bit of swearing in this episode because I didn't want to change the client's own words just a little bit.  

 okay. So this client has pretty recently recognized that she has ADHD and is very much in the process of learning more about it and understanding her own brain. And she was describing to me that she's becoming very aware of how much she kind of just, you know, bops around the classroom from one thing to another, and isn't actually finishing things or getting stuff done.  

And she went on to talk about how it feels like it's because there's no order in the room and she's just constantly looking for stuff and then getting distracted from her original task. And this also 100% describes me back when I was a teacher. So I could really relate to what she was describing.  

And she was sitting in the classroom during the session. So I asked her to look around and just tell me some of the things that were coming to mind as she looked around the room.  She said. Clutter disorganization stressed, anxious. It's just a mess. And I said, okay, so you're telling me it's a mess. So now what are some of the thoughts you have about that? That the room is a mess.  And she said, I need to do better. I need to organize my life. 

 Now, I know she said those two thoughts together, but I saw those as two very distinct thoughts, which are likely affecting her in two specific ways. So I broke them up and we started with, I need to organize my life, which she said was making her feel so anxious.  And I asked her , what does she do or think about when she's feeling anxious, looking around the room and thinking I need to organize my life. 

And here are some of the things that she told me. She said. I just feel really jittery. Like I just want to get up and move. So then I start hopping from one thing to the next, trying to put things away, but I don't actually finish.  And then I kind of just start asking myself, like, why am I still doing this? Why can't I get it together? I compare my classroom to other classrooms in the building. Probably wallowing a little bit. I sit and I stare and I don't organize. And then I beat myself up for not doing anything.  , I start to think of other things that need to be organized, like my house and my car, and sometimes I'll make a list, but. It's just so many things that I get overwhelmed. So then I'll try and make like a smaller list, but then it's just like five things. And sometimes I'll put  super easy things on the list, just so I can feel good about like checking them off and. I mean, that's just so silly.  

Okay.  So first I had to stop her there and I said, that's such a good strategy. And she honestly looked at me like I was crazy. Like she was laughing a little. So let me take a quick break from. All the things that she just told me just to speak to this part. 

So, you know, the phrase, eat the frog, you know, like do the hardest thing first.  Gross. Throw it away. That is just an example of neuro-typical advice that just doesn't work for us. Maybe it works for some of us, but majority of us doesn't work for.  The hard things, the frog. Can be really overwhelming or boring or scary or involve so many steps or be undefined.  And I could kind of go on and on and on. But getting started is already something that we can really struggle with. Because we have ADHD and task initiation is an executive function and we have deficits in our executive functioning. Not because we're lazy or we don't care.  So we are way more likely to avoid the big, hard thing and procrastinate. 

Not only that, but then everything else on our list, because we feel like we have to eat the frog first. Um, so we're just, we're not getting to anything.  We need momentum. We need to help ourselves to get going. And it's easier to get going on. Easier more instantly gratifying tasks. And we get dopamine from completing that task and that dopamine can help us move on to the next tasks.  

So this might be a good time to quote Newton's first law of motion, the law of inertia, which states that an object at rest stays at rest. An object in motion stays in motion. And that is basically describing someone with ADHD, right. Hard to start hard to stop. 
So we need something that makes it easier for us to start.  Furthermore, she could recognize that having a huge long list was really overwhelming to her. So she addressed this by only writing down like five things.  That's great. But then she would shame and judge herself because she only got those things done when she actually has so much more to do. Instead of recognizing that she was actually supporting herself in order to get something done, rather than nothing. So she really was using a strategy to help her ADHD brain.  But because it's not the typical advice you hear, maybe even the opposite of what we're told we, quote unquote, should do. So she was feeling kind of silly about it and admittedly not utilizing it very often.  

And I talk to so many clients who do the same thing. They found a strategy that actually supports them, but they feel like it's silly or ridiculous that they need a strategy like this. Maybe someone's made fun of them or questioned why they do it like that, or it's different from what other people do or mainstream advice out there. It could be a lot of reasons. But as a result, they don't utilize it as often as they should. .

 Okay, so back to the client. So now we had hashed that out and we went over everything. She just told me. And she could definitely recognize why she really wasn't making much headway in getting organized. The thought I need to organize my life was creating so much anxiety and likely overwhelmed. That it was keeping her from really being able to organize anything. Sometimes she was taking action from,  this anxiety, but it was just in the form of like task hopping and bopping around the room. And it really wasn't getting her closer to being organized. It was just reinforcing how disorganized she really felt. And then other times.  The anxiety, the overwhelm, it was just leaving her. Feeling paralyzed and not able to do anything and just kind of ruminating over how she can't get her act together. And she's comparing herself to others and really just feeling too overwhelmed with where to start.

So now that she's becoming more aware of what's been happening, I asked. Why do you want to be more organized? Why is that important? And she replied. If I'm more organized, I'd be less stressed out because I wouldn't constantly be looking for things and I would have more space in my brain for other more important stuff.  

And so I asked her to talk about what happens when she's looking for something she can't find.  And she said, I get really frustrated with myself. It's exhausting.  But if I know where it is and I can find it, I can just be like, good job. Found it instead of what the fuck I'm doing this shit again.  

So this really takes us back to the other thought she had back at the beginning of this episode.  Which was, I need to do better.  There's just so much self judgment and self blame going on when she can't find something.  And so I asked her. What if, when you're looking for something, you're just looking for it. You're not also beating yourself up about it or shaming yourself. You're just trying to find the thing.  And she answered, like, yeah, that'd be nice and probably make it not such a big deal. And I could hear the skepticism in her voice, of course. And maybe you, the listener have some too thinking, like, how is that even possible?  

So we dipped back into the education part of coaching. And I reminded her that if you have ADHD, you likely struggle with organization. And you probably often misplaced things and can't find stuff. And because you have ADHD and organization is one of the executive functions. But what's so many of us often do, especially when we don't understand how ADHD affects us is we tell ourselves that we suck. We need to try harder. It's our fault. So I pointed out to her that that is the part that's likely causing a majority of the stress for her.  Yes, it's frustrating when we can't find something, but shaming and judging yourself for it  is only adding to the stress it's causing. 

And that is the part that can be. So , exhausting. She's just trying to solve for all this stress and anxiety by being more organized, but really herself talk along with the thoughts about what she should be able to do. It's just piling on that anxiety with shame, frustration, self judgment.  And that's exhausting and creating stress. I kind of just talked in the circle there. I hope I hope you're with me. 

So, of course she's having a hard time figuring out how to get more organized or making moves towards getting more organized.  Not only is that a difficult thing to do from an executive function standpoint, but she's exhausted before she even begins.

So you might be thinking at this point. Okay, great. So we just have to stay disorganized and constantly be searching for our things all while telling ourselves it's fine. Don't worry. You're perfect. And my answer is no. But also a little bit. Yes.  Um, There are absolutely ways for people with ADHD to get more organized. But first, you really have to figure out what that means for you.  

Are you telling yourself that your space should look like one you would see on Pinterest because that's how an organized space should look. My client mentioned, she often compares her classroom to some of her other coworkers rooms, which leaves her feeling worse. But often how other people organize  while, it may look really pretty. It doesn't work for us. And if we're trying to organize like that, it's kind of setting yourself up for failure. And honestly, we'll still be searching for our things. 

One example of this is that, you know, for many ADHD years, myself included. Out of sight means out of mind. When I was a teacher, I had so many piles of papers on my desk and I definitely felt so much shame and embarrassment around that. But ask me to find a specific sheet. And I knew exactly which pile and where in the pile was. But because it looked messy or not how others organize their papers. I definitely told myself I was doing it wrong.  But if I put that paper in the correct file in a filing cabinet, like gone forever, never to be seen again, I would have no idea where it was. 

So part of figuring out how to be organized really means finding what works for you. 
And that often doesn't match what it looks like in, you know, like all the self-help books and the mainstream advice out there.  Does that mean that everything has to be out and all over the place? No, not necessarily. But getting some clarity around what organizational system would work for you is super important. As is being aware of when you're telling yourself what it should look like.  I have to keep my vitamins out on the countertop. Do I love what it looks like. No.  But if I put them away, I will never take them. So this is something I encourage my client to really think about. What are things that work for you? 

Another piece of this is addressing that original thought of, I need to organize my life, which is resulting in her organizing nothing because that's completely overwhelming. 
And also. Maybe impossible. Because what does it even mean with a goal like that there's no clarity. There's no path forward. When she's looking around her classroom and has this thought, which is causing her to feel really anxious. She starts spiraling and is now thinking of her car, her house, all of it. And then she feels paralyzed and she does nothing. 

So we discussed breaking it down and just focusing on one thing at a time.  We need to start small. Even her whole classroom is too big, right? Like, let's start with the desk. And honestly, if that's still too overwhelming, start with a drawer.  What on the desk is working and what isn't, what things would you really like to throw away? What would you like to put away? Put somewhere else?  And what things are actually perfect where they are, but you've maybe been telling yourself that's not what organized looks like. 

The strategy she had described at the beginning of the session is actually perfect for this. That giant to do list with every single thing you need to do is overwhelming. And you'll likely avoid it. Same with wanting to organize. Your whole life. But a focus on something smaller with fewer to dos, some of which are fairly easy to accomplish is much more manageable.  

Keep in mind, Newton's law of motion. We want to make getting started easier.  Focusing on the desk and just a few action steps she can take again.  To make the desk work for her.  I honestly, I think I like that phrase instead of the word organized, because like that's what we actually need. Just something that works for us.  Anyways, this can definitely support her in getting started.  

And finally, but honestly, most importantly, that self-talk the what's wrong with me. 
Why am I like this? Why am I doing this again?  That is so common for those of us with ADHD. 

First, so many of us, we may have received the message time and time again, that being unorganized isn't. Okay. And that we should be able to, in my client's words, do better.  Again, I've mentioned this in other episodes. It's not like this was always coming from people who are trying to cause harm or make you feel bad. It's likely people who were trying to help because they too. Have been taught this very specific message from society. , that organized equals good and disorganized equals not good enough.  

But who says that's true. And what if it's not true and who decided what organized means and what it looks like? What if being organized and not being organized are both. Okay. And you get to decide what you want your space to look like.   messy has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. It just has to do with, you know, what skills you either possess or have learned your preferences, your energy, your space, what support you have. And how your brain is wired. 

But this self-talk is not something that just goes away in one session. It's so ingrained. But it's absolutely something that we can be more aware of and have to be more aware of because thoughts like, this can just bring up so much shame and shame will almost always drive us away from what we want to be doing.  But if we can learn to notice and catch these thoughts, this self-talk when it's happening. We can start to challenge it because thoughts really are just that they're thoughts. They aren't facts.

 I really emphasize with my clients, like why it makes sense that we would have these thoughts. Due to past experiences or messages we have received. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's true. And one way we can challenge these types of thoughts is by reminding ourselves over and over again. This is hard because I have ADHD. Not because there's something wrong with me. And if that thought feels a little too far fetched at this point.  And you're just kind of not buying it. You know, you can start with it's possible. This is hard because I have ADHD and not because there's something wrong with me. Like just open it. up as a possibility. It doesn't mean you can't do it. But it. does mean it's hard because you have ADHD.  

This is. For me, one of the biggest shifts I have personally made and. Still continue to work on. Today. I used to turn everything on myself and kind of go straight to what's wrong with me. And now a lot of my frustration gets targeted at ADHD because yes, having ADHD is sometimes super annoying and hard and frustrating.  I can, except that I have it and still be really annoyed at times that I have it.  

So when I'm looking for something I can't find, and I catch myself thinking like, oh, what's wrong with me? Why do I lose everything?   I pause and breathe and recognize the spiral that this is going to lead me down. And the energy that it is going to suck from me and the shame and judgment that are going to leave me totally dysregulated. And I remind myself. I have ADHD. So sometimes I'm paying attention to too many other things. When I put something down and my working memory. Isn't great. So even when I purposely put something somewhere, I still might forget where it is. And organization is. an executive function that I struggle with. And that's super annoying, super frustrating, and looking for something while being frustrated is way less consuming than looking for something well, frustrated, and then feeling shame and getting stressed and anxious and. you get it right.  Okay. 

 I'm really hoping. You're starting to see how yes, ADHD can make certain things more challenging for us. And that can be so hard, so annoying. So excruciating at times. But the story we then create about ourselves and the way we talk to ourselves in these challenging moments can actually be the cause of so much of the stress, anxiety, shame, embarrassment. Et cetera, et cetera.

 And in turn becomes a real barrier to figuring out what you want or what support you need in order to take action and start moving in the direction you want to move in.  If every time my client looks around her room or her house or anywhere, and instantly feels this anxiety and shame. That are stemming from, I need to do better. I need to organize my life. That shame will drive her away from what she wants and the anxiety will not help her get closer to her goal. 

 But if she can look at our classroom and tolerate all the anxiety, that's coming up, all the overwhelm. All the shame. And not let it take her down. A shame, judgment spiral, then she can stay regulated enough to utilize some of these strategies, you know, breaking it down. getting clarity on what organized looks like for her. And she can actually get started on some of the small action steps that would move her in the direction of her ultimate goal of getting various spaces in her. life organized.