Episode 5: If I Cared I Would Do It!

In this weeks episode, I share a recap from a coaching session I had with a client who was putting off a phone call she really needed to make. You will be able to see how, through the coaching process, we uncovered a story she was telling herself about WHY she wasn't doing it and how that story was bringing up a lot of shame for her.   I'll talk about how experiences from our past can really impact the narrative we create about ourselves, as well as how we can disrupt those narratives by understanding the experience through the lens of ADHD.  You'll listen to how this client was able to dismantle some beliefs she has about herself so she could focus instead on figuring out what support she needed in order to make the call.  

The narrative we uncovered in this session is probably one that MANY people with ADHD can relate to, and it's so important for us to understand where it came from.  I'll show you how understanding our interest-based nervous system can help explain why this narrative is simply not true. 

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Disclaimer:
This podcast is not intended to be a substitute for coaching, therapy, or any other medical intervention. Rather it is a resource for you the listener to learn more about yourself and your ADHD. Furthermore, these sessions reflect MY personal style of coaching and how I was trained, and are not meant to be a representation of all ADHD coaching.

All sessions being highlighted in this podcast are being done so with permission from the client being featured. Some details may be slightly altered in order to keep their identity anonymous.

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Transcript

Hello. Welcome back. Thank you so much for joining me again on Monday morning, ADHD coaching. I am your host and coach Emily. And today I'm going to be talking about a session I had with a client that started with her talking about a phone call that she was really dreading and putting off. And where it brought us to was, I don't know. 
It was big. It was really big. So this is a good one. And let's get into it.  

So this is a client I've been working with for a few months, maybe seven months or so. And recently in the past few weeks, maybe a month or two, she has really started making some big changes in her life. When she first came to me, she was really feeling quite stuck and powerless in her life. And she's at a place now through coaching and a lot of her own, really, really hard work that she's starting to take action on some of the changes that she wants to make. 

So the backstory here is that she owns a house that she no longer lives in her ex still lives there.  She owns it by herself. She pays the mortgage for it.  And she's been renting it to her ex for several years and she is not making money. In fact, she's losing a considerable amount of money. And, you know, we've had a lot to unpack there, but that's kind of besides the point. And she has wanted to sell the house for years, but now she is finally really ready to do it. 

So she's been taking lots of action working towards this goal. And one of those actions was actually telling her ex that she was going to sell the house. Which that alone was a very hard thing to do for lots of different reasons.  But at this point she's already let him know she's planning on selling the house and she's giving him an option to buy it. If he wants to, if not, she's going to list it to the public. And she told him she'd be following up with him shortly to talk more about it. And so that's where we're at in the session. She's at the point where she's realizing it's time to follow up with him. But she's really resisting making that call.  

And she was telling me that she knows she needs to do it. Kind of saying it's just a phone call. But she just kind of keeps finding all of these reasons to not do it and to do other things. And I asked her, why do you need to call him? And she said, I just really need some clarity. I need him to know when I plan on doing this by, I need to know if he's interested in buying it. I need to know. If he's not interested when he's going to move out. What kind of work needs to be done on the house. So there's a lot of questions that are just kind of hanging and making her quite anxious. 

So then I asked her, well, why do you think you aren't calling him? And she said, she's just dreading it, but she went on to say, it's not like that really heavy dread that she sometimes experiences, which kind of can feel like. She's just dreading the day she's dreading everything and it can kind of paralyze her. Uh, it's more like, oh, I just really don't want to do it.  

And so I asked her well, okay. When you're thinking about making the call to him and you're really dreading it, and you're just like, I don't want to do it. What are some of the things that you're doing instead?  And she talks about how she can see that she's doing a lot of like these easier, less important tasks. The ones that make her feel better in the moment. Maybe feel easier to tackle. You know, she mentioned she's rolling coins. 
She has a huge coin collection. So she's decided now is the time to roll them.  She's doing some paperwork that, you know, maybe she's also been putting that off, but it feels easier at this time. And she's really frustrated with herself for doing these less important tasks. And she's describing how she can kind of see herself putting this call off and she knows it's really important. And yet she's still procrastinating. And she also continued to say that in the past few days, she just hasn't had much energy. And that's kind of been affecting her mood. So she's not really. in a great mindset and it just hasn't felt like a good time to call. But she is just overall, really frustrated with herself that she keeps putting it off.  And then she said something really interesting, and this is kind of where our conversation went.

 She said, but it's just so annoying. I just really wish I wanted to call him.  

And something about that just felt really big to me. And so I asked her. Why do you wish that? What would it mean if you really wanted to call him? And she said, well, if I really wanted to do it, I'd be like excited and I would just do it. And I said, okay, well, what do you think it means that you don't want to do it? And with not much hesitation, she just said I won't do it.  And I said, okay, well, what happens if you don't do it? And she said, well, then everything just kind of falls apart and it will show, I don't care about my. Life, and I'm not invested in my life with my current husband, and there's no commitment to our future together because I'm not doing the stuff that I need to do, and I'm not doing it as fast as I can. 

So.  Let's just let that sink in. I mean, here's this person who decided to go get help and support for herself so that she could. Find a way to show up in her life that felt good. That felt better. And here's this person who has been working so hard to create a better life for her and her husband. And she's doing all these really hard things to help them so that they can work towards a better future. You know, she decided to sell this house so that they could be more secure financially. And she's sitting here thinking that if she really wanted to do this, then she just would, and she do everything she needs to do really quickly with no drama. And because she doesn't want to, she is afraid she won't. And that then means that she doesn't care. She's not committed. She's not invested.

And this is exactly how living with untreated and unsupported ADHD can affect a person so much more than just difficulty with the symptoms alone. When the struggles you've experienced due to ADHD are seen by others and by society as character flaws or moral failings or. You're not caring or trying hard enough. That message really gets internalized and you create a narrative then , about yourself and that narrative just can eat away at your self concept and it can create so much shame. And that's really the thing that stops. So many of us from doing the things that we really wish that we were doing, or the things that we really need to do. 

And you can so clearly see how this manifests throughout life with what my client is describing.   So I asked her if she could remember a time from the past where people might have said something to her, like, well, if you really cared about this, you do it.  And she was like, oh my God. Yes, that's that's my whole life. She talked about how both now and when she was younger, people would definitely say things to her. Like if you really wanted to do XYZ, you would just do it. Or if you cared about this, or if you cared about me or if you cared about this person, you would just do it. 

 And, you know, she talked about how sometimes it can even be really confusing to her because she knows she can put so much energy into certain things that she cares about. One example. She brought up was her business, which she said she kind of just opened at this like lightning speed. But other things she will avoid and just put off forever. 

 And okay. So here's the thing that we really need to be aware of as it pertains to this, what she's describing.  People with ADHD have an interest based nervous system. Which means when things are new, novel, fun, exciting, challenging, but like the right kind of challenge. Also when they're really urgent. That creates motivation. And we really want to do something when we have this kind of motivation. And it can often feel really easy to get started and get it done. And we might also get it done really quickly because we can hyper-focus on it. And so we can do some really hard and amazing things. As long as they're interesting to us. Or urgent urgency can always help. , 

however, if something is important, Even if it's important to us, even if it's important to somebody we really care about. Even if there are consequences for not doing it.  If it doesn't have those characteristics that I described. Interesting and exciting, challenging new. We simply don't have the same kind of motivation. That's just how we are wired.  And lack of motivation can make it incredibly hard to get started on something self-motivation and task initiation are two of the executive functions that we really struggle with. 

And on top of that, because we also struggle with emotional regulation, which is another executive function. If it's boring or overwhelming or confusing or brings up, you know, whatever difficult emotion. We really tend to put it off or just totally avoid the task at hand  and so what happens is that other people see us as able to accomplish a lot in certain areas. In which we are highly motivated. And that's used as evidence that we should be able to do things just as easily, just as quickly, simply because we want to, and if we don't want to, we must not care. Motivation and caring about something Get really conflated. 

And I'm not trying to imply that the people who either explicitly or implicitly sent this message were trying to cause harm or trying to be mean. Oftentimes, it comes from people who really do have our best interests at heart. Yeah. Sometimes it comes from people who don't. , but that's because it can look really confusing. It's confusing to us, and it's also confusing to other people. But also, it's just not what's happening. This doing something equals I care. And not doing something equals I don't care.  Yes, of course, there are some things that we don't do because we just don't care. But most of the time, this just simply isn't true.  

So now let's bring it back to my client and see how this internalized messaging has really impacted her. Because now. Her brain has been telling her that if she really cared, if she was truly invested in her life with her husband, That she would not only want to make the call and be enthusiastic about it, but that she would also have no problem doing it and she'd do it quick and she would get it done. No drama.  And since she's really dreading it and like, kind of feeling like I don't want to do this and she keeps putting it off, then it must mean that she doesn't care.  It's so wild. 

And again, I will remind you these thoughts are not necessarily something where conscious of when they're happening. They're these really subconscious, like sneaky little things that we don't even realize we're thinking until we bring them to the surface. 

And so after I repeated back to her, all the things that she was saying, so. She could see the conclusions. Her brain has been very busy making. She was just kind of like, wow. Yup. That's exactly. What's been going on. And she said, she felt really sad that she's been doing that to herself, but also she was really recognizing that. What might be weighing on her more is the fact that this must be what other people are also thinking. 
Her husband, her family, her friends. You know, she worries that they also see what she's doing and how long it's taking. And they'll assume it means that she just doesn't care. 

And just recognizing that made her realize that she's been feeling a lot of shame around not making this phone call. And she told me that, hearing it out like this actually gave her a huge sense of relief.  First because she realized like, no wonder I've been feeling so weird the past few days. She's been really dysregulated and in a shame spiral.  And second, she was really able to see that this obviously was not true. Because when I asked her, well, is it true that you don't care?  She was like, oh my gosh, of course not. 
I care so much about this. I, my husband, our future, yes. A million times over I care.

 And so then I said, well then why do you think you don't want to call him? If it's not that you don't care why.   And she thought about it and said, I think it's less. I don't want to call him and more. I don't know how I think I'm scared that I won't know what I'm going to say. If he picks up. I'm not sure I'll have all the correct information. I'm worried. I'll feel guilty and maybe give into something I don't want to give into. I might stumble over my words and really it sometimes just feels like I'm physically unable to make this call.  

And that's what can happen when we are so overcome with certain emotions. It can just paralyze us and really prevent us from moving forward. And that really seems to be what was happening here for her. And to complicate things further, she was then feeling shame for not just doing it.  

And if this is resonating with you, imagine how many times in your past you put off doing something that you really didn't want to do, because you didn't know how, or it felt too hard, or you were too embarrassed to ask for help, or you felt overwhelmed with where to start, or you were feeling shame for not having done it already. I mean, I could go on and on and on. But in the moment, you're just thinking, I don't want to do it. And then you tell yourself, because you know, this is the message that you've maybe received. Well, if I cared, I would just do it anyways.  And you completely ignore. All the executive functioning skills that this thing might require, which is what's actually making it really hard to move forward and do it. Not just because you don't care. And so then instead of finding ways to support yourself, With, you know, all the things that are making it really hard to do. You're just shaming and judging yourself, which makes it more. Likely that you will continue to avoid it. It's a really vicious cycle.  

So part one really is just about becoming aware of this and then dismantling the narrative by challenging it. So in this case asking, do you really not care about your life and your life with your husband?  And that can start to kind of peel away some of the shame that was attached to this narrative so that we can really start to focus on what's actually happening. Which is that she's dreading making the phone call because it's hard and scary. She's unsure of what she's going to say. She's not. Sure how to go about collecting all the information she needs to give to him. That feels kind of daunting. She's scared of what big emotions might come up and she's uncertain about how he's going to respond. 

But now she knows she's not putting it off because she doesn't care.  So then how can this help her moving forward?  So first she did say that she was feeling a lot of relief. 
Like she had gotten rid of so much of the drama around this and was really able to recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed of here. Which did allow her to kind of shed a layer of that shame or, you know, at least not let it consume her. 

And now she was really able to just focus on what she needed in order to make the call. And that started with simply recognizing and accepting that it is a hard call to make both emotionally and logistically. Until now she had just been kind of bullying herself into making the call just saying like, come on, just do it. It's just a phone call. It's not that big of a deal. But that's clearly not true.

And so now that we're recognizing like, yes, this is a hard phone call to make, what can I do to support myself so that I can make the call, even though it is hard. And even though I'm dreading it,  And part of what she said,  she wanted to do was make sure she really had all of her facts straight before calling him.  And so she brainstormed all the things that she wanted to be really clear on, like pricing work needed to be done. Dates, timelines, things like that. And she mentioned, she knew a realtor, so she could contact them if she needed help with that. And this way, she was able to get some clarity on what exactly she wanted to be able to tell him which. That kind of,  calmed her nerves a bit,  and gave her a little bit of confidence going into the call.  

She also knew that she was definitely going to need to practice. Like just sitting with and tolerating some of these emotions so that she's not just reacting to them. For example,  continuing to put it off when she feels dread. Or feeling guilty and then agreeing to something she's not comfortable with. And over the months, she's learned how she can do this on her own, this kind of process of allowing and tolerating different emotions. And she also knows it's something that we can do in our sessions. 

So with this new awareness of what has actually been happening leading up to this point. Along with a combination of allowing for, and being able to tolerate some of these emotions and identifying specific steps  she can take to prepare herself for the call. She was in fact able to call him later that week. And in doing so she's continuing to prove to herself that she is capable of doing these really hard things. Even when she really doesn't want to.

And yes, it might take her longer than she wants it to take some times and she might continue to. You know, avoid some of these things or put them off.  But she now knows that doesn't mean she doesn't care. That doesn't mean she doesn't want this. It just means she needs some support.